My life stories
by Kikinikinha
Summary: On a random afternoon Nagisa ask her mom how her life turnout to be the way it is. Rin takes her daughter down to memory lane with some amazing stories from her past.
1. Start

_**Disclaimer:**__ Inuyasha and its characters do not belong to me. (Although I wish they did)._

_All dialogs in cursive represents the present, all other dialogs represent the past._

_This fanfic belongs to me and it's posted on another profile: u/1734609/Linara_

_Unfortunately, I lost the password to that account and decided to continue the story on this one._

_Please forgive any English mistakes, it's my first in this language. Hope you like it, enjoy._

* * *

**My life stories**

**I don't wanna lose you**

_\- Mom! Mom!_

_\- Please don't yell Nagisa._

_\- Sorry – she looked to her maternal figure with a sad expression._

_\- What happened now?_

_\- It's Matt mom… - she threw herself on the couch and snorted – we had a fight **AGAIN**._

_\- Oh honey, you two are so young to be fighting all the time – she sat down beside her and gently stroked her daughter's hair._

_\- You don't get it, he is such a jerk sometimes, wants to forbid me of doing everything, what should I do?_

_\- I would say you deserve better, but I feel like I can't be of much help._

_\- Did daddy forbid you of anything?_

_\- Your father – she smiled to herself staring at a fixed point on the wall, like she could see her past passing before her eyes – he was, I mean, he is very jealous._

_\- By the way, I think you never told me how you two met._

_\- Well hun – Rin hesitated as she tried to remember – it was such a long time ago._

_\- Tell me – her eyes sparkled to the idea of hearing to that story – since the beginning please, I love stories like this!_

_\- Alright, it all started…_

* * *

A blow. It all started with that blow. It was my eleventh birthday and my mom had prepared me a small birthday party with all my friends from my old school and all my relatives, but one… my dad. I missed him tremendously and all I wanted was for him to be back with me, but he had died a while ago and there was no coming back from death.

\- Make a wish honey!

I slowly closed my eyes and buffered all the voices around me, from the top of my lungs I blew those candles wishing they would bring my dad back to me. Everybody cheered and I felt happy. It was the happiest I felt in a long time, somehow all the sadness was dissipating from my body and all there was left was the joy of being alive and loved.

\- Mom, can I go play with my friends now?

\- Did you finish your cake?

\- Yeeees – I answered smiling.

\- Alright baby, have fun – my mom kissed my forehead and off I went.

Sitting outside my doorstep were my two best friends on the whole world.

\- Have you guys seen the new singer there's trending? Billie something, I don't know, sounds like trash.

\- Sango! Don't talk like that – Kagome laughed.

\- My god! You girls are so mean, haha – I was smiling and having such a good time, until I saw him. Far away I could see him, walking toward us and looking straight at me.

\- H-Hi, my name is Tomoya, how are you? – it was clear by his body expression that he was shy and very scared at that moment.

\- Hi, I'm Rin – I smiled – these are my two best friends Sango and Kagome.

\- Hi – said the girls at the same time.

\- Is it your birthday?

\- Yes, haha.

\- Look – he had his arms on his back, trying to hide a small present, but with a shine and very attractive wrapping – this is for you!

\- Wow – it was all that the three of us could say after seeing the gift – thank you.

\- I'm your new neighbor, happy birthday – he handed me the gift and smiled.

I tried to open the gift as gently as I could and when I saw what it was my heart felt warm. Inside that little box was a tiny fairy with purple wings and some shiny details in pink. It was wearing a blue dress, just astonishing.

\- I love it Tomoya!

\- I'm happy to hear that.

\- Don't you wanna go inside and eat something?

\- No, thanks. I gotta go. Bye! – he ran away ashamed.

That night after everyone went home, I couldn't stop admiring my little fairy, of all the gifts I received that was by far my favorite one.

\- Honey, why don't you put it in your nightstand? That way you can see it every night.

\- Good idea mom!

\- Now, good night and sleep well – she gave me a kiss on the forehead, switch off the lights and closed the door.

The darkness surrounded my room, but I wasn't afraid, the only thing I could think of was… Tomoya.

* * *

_\- Hold on mom, who is Tomoya? I think you're confused – Rin laughed at her daughter._

_\- You said you wanted to hear the WHOLE story, since the very beginning._

_\- Wait a second… Tomoya is To-chan?_

_\- Yes – Rin smiled – I thought you noticed._

_\- Wow, you met him on your eleventh birthday? That's amazing._

_\- Oh yeah._

_\- Then what's the relation between dad and To-chan?_

_\- You'll see._

* * *

The next day the sun was invading my room, my mom had opened the windows and told to get up to my first day at school.

My whole body was shacking. Finally, the fifth grade had arrived, with older boys, new subjects and a lot of new teachers. All that sounded so so scary. I went downstairs to have breakfast and watch tv.

\- Rin? Let's go baby, we are late for school.

We ran to the car and my mom dropped me off.

\- Pick you up at 3PM, ok?

\- Sure mom…

As I watched my mom's car drive away, I could also see millions of students walking and chatting. What was I supposed to do?

I walked to my classroom quiet, sat down at the first chair of the first row and waited. Several students came barging in, but they all looked so much older than me, was I on the wrong classroom?

The teacher came in.

\- Good morning students, welcome to another year. For all of those who already know me I hope you had a great summer and for those who don't, my name is Izanami – suddenly she looked straight at me and my face blushed – so we have a new student, please tell us your name honey.

\- M-my name is Rin Nakamura – I tried to smile, but something creepy came out of it.

\- Welcome, which school did yo…

Before she could finish that sentence the door opened.

\- I'm so sorry, I know I'm… – he came in running, tried to apologize but froze when he saw 30 students looking at him.

\- I value punctuality, mister…?

\- Tomoya, Tomoya Kimoji.

\- Very well, be on time next time.

\- So sorry again.

\- Sit down.

He looked all around the class and decided to sit right behind me, as he was passing by, he whispered "hi" and stumbled with my chair. I couldn't help but to laugh, he was so clumsy, and yet I liked that about him.

The day went on smoothly, we talked the whole day and got along very well, he apologized for being so weird the other day, but I didn't care about it.

* * *

_\- Mom, I can't believe To-chan was such a dork – she laughed._

_\- I love this story, he hates it, always make excuses that he was only nervous._

_\- Then you became good friends?_

_\- Well, after that…_

* * *

A year went by so fast and Tomoya and I became really good friends. My mom used to say that we became friends so fast that the only thing missing for us to do together was showering. It was my birthday again; I couldn't believe how fast the year went by and the only person I wanted to see was Tomoya. The day before he said he had a surprise for me, and I couldn't wait to see it.

I woke up early, the sun was still rising, I jumped out of bed, showed quickly and ran downstairs.

\- Happy birthday honey.

\- Thanks mom, Tomoya dropped by?

\- Baby, it's 7AM, Tomoya must be sleeping, why did you wake up so early?

\- He said he had a surprise for me – I couldn't hide my sad face.

\- I'm sure he'll be here in no time.

Hours went by and I was anxious and curious. It was driving me insane, until I heard those peculiar knocks.

\- Come in!

\- Hi Miss Nakamura.

\- Tomoya! – I ran and hugged him.

\- Happy birthday Rin-chan! – he hugged me back, smiling.

\- And my surprise? – my eyes were sparkling.

\- Such a curious girl – he mocked me.

\- Don't be mean. – I pretended to cry.

\- Ok, come with me.

\- Mooom, be right back!

We ran like crazy to our tree house, the place we spent the majority of our time together.

\- Alright, close your eyes.

\- Ok.

\- No picking Rin – he rolled his eyes.

\- Alright, alright.

After a few seconds he placed a piece of paper in my hands. Still with my eyes closed I tried to guess what it was, but I failed.

\- A paper? – I was confused.

\- Open it!

And I did, it was a regular paper that looked a bit aged with some writing on it.

\- "Star ownership certificate. It's valid on the whole wide world. Congratulations, you just named the brightest star on the sky "Rin"" – I red.

\- I was wondering around one of these days and when I looked up the sky was beautiful. There was one star that called out my attention, it was shining more than the others and it reminded me of you. So, I decided to give you that star, from now on it's yours and only yours, also has your name – he laughed so naturally.

\- No one ever gave me something like this.

\- I hope you liked it.

\- Are you kidding? I loved it – I hugged him again – thank you To-chan, it's the nicest thing someone ever gave me.

\- I'm glad to hear that.

That night felt so much like the same night one year ago. I couldn't stop looking at that certificate. I owned a star, how cool was that? It was such a creative and thoughtful gift. Without even noticing it I realized that was a note writing on the back.

\- "Rin, I hope you really liked it, because for me you are the brightest of all" – I smiled. How could he be so amazing?

* * *

_\- Mom, that was the cutest thing ever – she laughed and smiled – how come Matt never did something like that to me?_

_\- I know hun, it was very creative._

_\- To-chan need to have a chat with Matt._

_\- Certainly – Rin laughed._

_\- Are you gonna tell that you were in love with To-chan?_

_\- Oh baby, we spent every second of the day together, it was impossible not to develop some kind of feeling towards him._

_\- But by that time, you were not in love with him?_

_\- I'll tell exactly when I realized that I fell for him._

* * *

The years went by and it was morning again. I didn't get much sleep that night, I was too anxious. Finally, I was in my first year of high school, it was a perfectly sunny day outside and all I could think of was "Homecoming dance". Every year the school tradition was to have a homecoming dance, but it was only allowed to high school students and this year was gonna be my turn.

I got up and ran to the shower, dressed as nice as I could without exaggerating and went downstairs for breakfast. It didn't take long and Tomoya was with us laughing and eating.

\- Are you scared, To-chan? – I asked him while we were walking to school.

\- Of course not, why would I?

\- I don't know…

\- You are terrified, aren't you?

\- Maybe…

\- You silly – he messed my hair – oh, you are wearing the necklace I gave you.

\- Best birthday gift ever! And stop messing my hair – I punched him and tried to get my hair back to its normality.

\- I know, I know. I'm awesome – he laughed – I told you already, you are beautiful! Don't need all that makeup.

\- Not funny Tomoya.

Going back to school always made me nervous, so much new things came along every year and my stomach was restless. Nonetheless the first week went by and I could survive just fine. There was this guy that I already had a crush on, after all he was very handsome, and I hoped that he would invite me to the homecoming dance. He was Sango's brother, but we haven't talked more than a few words on all these years.

\- Hi Rin-chan.

\- Hi Kohaku-sama – I blushed – have a great day.

That was it, just it. But I wanted more, and I decided that one way or the other I was gonna make him notice me.

Walking on the hallways I froze for at least five minutes when I saw that big poster. But Tomoya shook me out of my trance.

\- I knew you would freeze when you see this.

\- Shut up, it's amazing! You know how much I wanna go to the homecoming dance.

\- Have you…

\- No, not yet. But he is going to invite me, you'll see.

\- Who?

\- Kohaku, dã.

\- Of course, the major idiot of the school.

\- Shut up Tomoya, I want him to invite me.

\- I think I heard him saying he was going with Sango to the dance.

\- Nope – we were walking to the classroom – Sango said Bankotsu invited her, isn't it awesome?

\- If you say so.

\- Why are you so weird about this dance thing?

\- It's nothing – he sat down and was quiet.

The following days he was still acting weird with me, I was having lunch with Kagome and Sango, but he wouldn't go near us, just hanged with his friends and walked back home alone.

\- Ka-chan, I think Tomoya is angry with me or something.

\- Do you think this is about Kohaku?

\- Why would it be? They are not friends or anything like that.

\- Yeah, but Tomoya doesn't like him at all.

After that comment I couldn't stop wondering if that was the reason why he was so strange these past days. After school I went to our tree house and laid down waiting for him to show up, I had to ask.

I heard a noise that made me jump and grab a broom.

\- Who is this? I have a weapon and I'm not afraid to use it!

\- Are you gonna attack me with a broom Rin? – he laughed loudly.

\- Don't scare me like that man! – I sighed.

\- Sorry, sorry. What are doing here?

\- I wanted to talk to you. Can I ask you something?

\- Already did.

\- Idiot – tried to laugh but sounded fake – Other question.

\- Alright.

\- Why are you so distant?

\- I'm not…

\- You are, don't deny it.

\- Maybe I am then.

\- And the reason?

\- It's stupid.

\- I know – I laughed – but I wanna know anyway.

\- I don't like Kohaku.

\- It's a shame, because he invited me to the dance and I said yes.

\- You did? – he sounded surprised.

\- I did.

\- I understand, I have to go.

And he ran away like he always did when he was out of arguments or will to argue. This horrible habit that I hated so much.

At the day of the dance I was hysterical, I was wearing a dark green dress that had some volume and shinned on the bottom. It made me look older, but I felt just like a princess. Kohaku came to my house to pick me up and we arrived together on the dance. We took photos at the entrance and I felt my body trembling.

\- Do you want something to drink Rin-chan? – he asked me gently. He had this confident aurea that was cute and reassuring.

\- Sure – I smiled nervously; I couldn't concentrate.

All I could do was look around to find someone I knew, and I did. Sango and Kagome were sitting at a table, I ran to them and we began to chat until Kohaku was back with our drinks. The music was so loud that we had to shout to understand each other.

\- Is Tomoya here Rin? – Kagome asked.

\- I don't think so, I don't know. He hadn´t spoke to me in days.

\- She is such a child sometimes.

\- Perhaps you're right.

\- D-Do you wanna dance Rin-chan? – he stuttered a little, but it was so cute. I couldn't say no to Kohaku.

We left our drinks on the table and headed to the dance floor. Slow music was playing and that was even more baffling. We smiled at each other, but it was clear we were both so nervous. That moment I realized that we had nothing in common and I didn't know how to make conversation. Out of a sudden I felt a hand on my shoulder, my salvation.

\- Tomoya…

\- Can I talk to you?

\- Su-sure. Can you excuse me Kohaku? I'll be right back.

\- Sure, I guess.

We left the dance because the music was so loud. We walked to a tiny banstand that was nearby, I could see flowers intertwined to the wood, it was beautiful.

\- What do you wanna talk about Tomoya?

\- Actually, I wanted to explain myself, why I ran away that day.

\- Because that's what you always do, always! – I felt like I shouted at him.

\- It's not like that.

\- No? Every time you feel you don't have any arguments left or you don't want to confront me you run, ashamed, hating me or whatever. You never face up your problems, are you gonna run away now as well?

\- I am like that, if you don't like it there's nothing I can do about it.

\- What do you want? Why don't you like Kohaku? Just freaking tell me.

His eyes were distant, he played with his fingers and looked down. He took a deep breath and got closer to me; ran his fingers gently over my cheek.

\- I… can't get you out of my head. I can't imagine myself without you.

\- But I'm not going anywhere Tomoya.

\- It's not like you're going somewhere, it's just that I'm so afraid of losing you.

That was the moment. The moment that I realized, at the end of that sentence, that I was madly in love with Tomoya. We could still hear the music in the back, and I looked at him speechless.

\- Do you wanna dance? – he asked.

I just nodded and he held my hand, putted one hand up and the other on his waist. His body was glued to mine and he slowly guided us; I felt the music passing through my body. I was happy, the feeling was mutual.

* * *

_\- Oh my god, I'm chocked – a small tear ran down Nagisa's face._

_\- Why honey? – Rin wipped Nagisa's tear with the back of her hand._

_\- I can imagine the whole scene in my head, it´s just beautiful._

_\- Yeah, I've been through a lot with To-chan._

_\- Well, after that you guys were couple right? – she smiled at Rin._

_\- Now you don't even remember your father, huh – Rin laughed._

_\- I mean, obviously I remember mom, but I wanna know more about you and To-chan._

_\- Can we do this again tomorrow baby? I really need to start cooking diner. – Rin got up from the couch, gave Nagisa a kiss on the cheek and went to the kitchen._


	2. Desire

**Desire**

_Rin was peacefully watching TV, some random culinary show, those that you watch because you're not really interested on, you just want to pass the time. When Nagisa came in it was clear to Rin that something was wrong._

_\- No Matt, you ruined the trust I had in you! - she shouted at the phone and Rin followed her with her eyes – Forgive you? Are you fucking kidding? Go to hell!_

_Obviously, the cellphone was not the one to blame for all that commotion, but he ended up as collateral damage as she thrown it on the wall, and it fell out in pieces._

_\- I'm definitely NOT buying you a new phone – Rin said._

_\- I d-don't w-want it…_

_Nagisa couldn't finish that sentence, the only thing she could do was sit on the floor and burst into tears. In a way, the tears were washing away her sadness, but her mom couldn't help feeling sorry for her little baby. Rin walked to her, sat down on the floor and hugged her tight. At first nothing was said, Nagisa just needed that small gesture of love to calm her down. She took a deep breath and finally felt like she could talk again._

_\- I still can't believe he could do that to me. If a person loves another, it won't cheat his lover._

_Suddenly Rin starts to laugh._

_\- What? – asked Nagisa – you don't believe that?_

_\- Oh honey, if life was as simple as that, the world would be a better place. Love and desire are such complicated things, it's not all that black and white, and I talk from experience._

_\- WHAT? What do you mean?_

_\- You see…_

* * *

After the dance the atmosphere between me and Tomoya was weird. Not a bad weird, just weird. It was the first time that I liked a boy and actually had an opportunity of becoming someone's girlfriend. Tomoya was looking and talking to me differently, it was all so new and exciting. Now that our feelings were revealed, at least his feelings, all that I craved for was… a kiss. A kiss like those in the movies, sunset at the beach, where the whole world would disappear and would be only the two of us, and some Peter Frampton playing in the back. Ok, it was so unreal and yet I wanted to be perfect.

\- Jesus is freezing out here! – I complained while we were walking towards the tree house.

\- Yeah…

\- What's with you today To-chan?

\- What do you mean?

\- You're acting different, distracted, I don't know.

\- What? Me? No.

\- Yes, you are.

\- No, I'am not.

And that was followed by a lot more of "yes, you are", "no, I'm not".

\- Why do you always behave like this Rin?

\- Like what?

\- Asking me all these questions.

\- I don't do that.

\- You do! And also demands an answer, sometimes I just don't wanna answer.

\- But...

\- Look – he sighed – I'm only nervous.

\- About what? – I was confused.

\- I just want to do this.

He got close to me, hold my waist gently and pulled me even closer. It's true that there was no beach or Peter Frampton, but to me it was as perfect as it could be.

You must take in account that no action between two people should be planned, it only needs to be desired, and boy how I desired that kiss.

After the first many other kisses happened, we were almost like addicts with a new drug, and if you think about it love can be like a drug. And I was addicted, dependent of that love that I felt for Tomoya.

At home the only thing I could think of was the times we were together, the kisses, the way he touched me, the looks, everything made me think of him. At school we would walk holding hands and it felt amazing.

The school year was about to finish, and I still couldn't believe how fast time has passed. We were together as a couple and the summer vacations were just around the corner. How exciting to have my boyfriend and time to enjoy it. One afternoon Tomoya and I were "watching" a movie at the tree house.

\- Hey idiot – Tomoya poked me.

\- What annoying? – I smiled.

\- I think I'm gonna suspend at school.

\- Yeah, sure – I said ironically.

\- I mean it.

\- Oh – I tried to think of something nice to say – I'm sure everything will turn out just fine, you'll see, you just worry too much.

\- I sure hope so, I really wanna enjoy these vacations with you, all the plans we made.

\- Like the water park? – I smiled and rested my head in his chest.

\- Yeah, and go to my aunt's house and to that farm we talked about, remember?

\- I do… - he could tell by my sad face that something was off.

\- Why do you seem to be upset?

\- Well, actually, my mom really wants us to visit my grandma in the US.

\- Why haven't you told me that?

\- I tried, I swear I did, but I knew you would be so upset about it and we made so many plans, but – I raised my index finger – but there's no reason to be sad about it, I'm only staying one month there, we'll have another two to make all our plans come true.

\- Ok then – he sighed - it's your grandma Rin, you can't say no to that.

\- Really? Please don't be angry at me.

\- That's impossible Rin.

\- Thank yoooou – I kissed him – you are awesome.

\- I know – he laughed and smiled to me, that smiled that I loved so much.

* * *

_\- Are you guys talking about great grandma Nani?_

_\- Yes baby, may she rest in peace._

_\- I wish I've met her._

_\- She was wonderful, and she made me so happy on those vacations. It was some really good vacations._

_\- I can only imagine mom – Nagisa looked at Rin slyly._

_\- Silly, let me continue._

* * *

Leaving Tomoya in Japan was killing me inside, but I had to. On my departure I cried so much, and he could tell that I didn't wanna go.

\- I promise I'll call everyday – I hugged him as strong as I could and allowed the tears to fall.

\- Don't cry you silly, I'll wait anxious for your call – he wiped my tears and smiled as if everything would be ok.

\- You got it – I sobbed and smiled at the same time.

\- Come on baby, we are gonna lose the flight – shouted my mom.

\- Alright! – I answered, gave him a fast kiss and ran away behind her.

I got inside the car and buried my face on my jacket, the tears seemed to have a life of their own, because I sure couldn't control them. The only thing good in my head about that trip was the fact that Kagome was coming with us. Her mom had a business trip and let her travel with us so we could that care of her.

\- Don't cry Rin-chan, he'll still be here when we get back.

\- You're right Ka-chan, I'm being dramatic – I tried to smile.

The flight was too long and too tiresome, I was extremely exhausted, but Kagome was more excited than ever for being in America. When we arrived at my grandma's house it was afternoon.

\- Naniii!

\- Oh honey! – she hugged me so tight that I was almost suffocating.

\- How are you? – she asked looking at the three of us.

\- We are great mom – she smiled and kissed my grandma on the cheek - I brought the girls to see you and I still think you should go back to Japan for once.

\- What are you talking about? I belong here silly, but come on in girls, don't be shy.

\- If you say so mom – she sighed – where can we put the bags?

\- Oh my god, the luggage. You can put it upstairs; I'll prepare something for us to eat and you can tell me all about the flight.

The scene was just like a soap opera, four women gossiping around the table. Of course, my grandma and my mom were chatting about adult stuff, therefore Kagome and I felt a little bit like outsiders, and we decided it would be way more fun to see our rooms.

\- Mom, we are going upstairs to check our rooms, ok?

\- Sure baby.

We bet who could get there first and ran to the rooms.

\- I won! – I shouted while trying to recover my breath.

\- Liar!

While we teased each other and tried to recover our breaths we heard a door opening. Both of us couldn't move and suddenly these two boys come out of the room, both with long white hairs. The taller boy looked a bit over seventeen, but the most impressive feature he had was his eyes, they were amber and so hypnotizing, like someone could really get lost on those eyes, he had a serious face on. The younger one looked our age, around fifteen, but (unlike his what we figured was his brother) he looked stressed, also with amber eyes.

\- Hi? – I asked confused.

\- Hi – the taller boy answered.

\- Who are you?

\- I could ask you the same.

\- This is MY grandma's house.

\- Oh, you must be Rin Nakamura then.

\- That's not fair, you know who I am and my name, and I don't know nothing about you.

\- I'm Sesshoumaru.

\- Feh, and I'm Inuyasha – he looked at Kagome and then looked away.

\- This is Kagome Higurashi – I said pointing to my friend – What are you guys doing here?

\- My dad just passed away and left us here so Nani-sensei could take care of us. Didn't she tell you?

\- Wow, I'm so sorry to hear that – I couldn't hide my sad face – my dad also passed away. She didn't say anything.

\- Feh, like we care – Inuyasha said.

* * *

_\- That's it! That's it!_

_\- Yeah, that's when I've met your father._

_\- But how did Tomoya influenced you to meet him then?_

_\- I forgot to tell you, when my mom said we would go to my grandma's house I cried and refused to go, I said I wouldn't leave Tomoya on his own, but he was so understanding when I talked to him that I decided to go, otherwise I would never have met you dad._

_\- Oh, I see, go on then, I wanna know more._

* * *

Inuyasha left and got into one of the many doors of that hallway.

\- That idiot is just stressed, don't mind him – explained Sesshoumaru.

\- Is he your brother?

\- Argh, half-brother – he answered angrily.

My grandma came upstairs to find us all looking at each other not understanding a thing of what was happening there and decided it was time to explain the situation.

\- I see you've met Sesshoumaru and Inuyasha – she said looking at us girls - the boys just lost their dad, Inutaisho, I owned him a favor for all the help he gave me in the past and so now I'm taking care of them. They live here with me and are currently also in summer vacation.

\- How old are they? – I asked.

\- Sesshoumaru is seventeen and Inuyasha is fifteen like you girls.

\- I see.

Sesshoumaru wouldn't look at us, he was lost in his own thoughts looking to the garden.

\- Inutaisho was a great entrepreneur, and after Sesshoumaru's mother died he got married again to a beautiful woman and had Inuyasha. When she died in a car accident, he was never the same.

Sesshoumaru seemed very angry with the conversation and just walked away, it was clear that the half-brothers had a complicated relationship and on top of that the death of their father.

After my grandma explained the whole situation I asked if we were excused, so Kagome and I went to her room.

\- My god, what an afternoon.

\- Yeah, but have you seen how cute that Inuyasha is? – Kagome's eyes were sparkling.

\- Don't be naughty Kagome – we laughed.

\- I'm not being naughty, ok? What about you?

\- What about me?

\- You haven't even called Tomoya yet. Maybe you're thinking about Sesshoumaru.

\- OH SHIT!

I ran to the phone on my room and dialed the several numbers to call abroad, as soon as he picked up the phone, I missed him more than ever. We talked for over an hour and I told him everything about Sesshoumaru, Inuyasha and the flight. When I hang up, I went to the porch and looked at the garden, the flowers were beautiful and so well taken care.

\- Was that your boyfriend on the phone?

I jumped with scare and looked to the balcony beside mine and there he was, beautifully looking at me.

\- Sesshoumaru! You scared the crap out of me. Yes, it was my boyfriend. Were you spying on me? – I asked mad at him.

\- Haha, sorry – he opened a tiny slyly smile – do you call that a relationship?

\- Stay out of my business, do you have girlfriend by the way?

\- No.

\- See? Talking about me but you're the one on the shelf.

\- On the shelf? I don't owe you any explanations, brat.

\- What? – I was incredulous that he said that to me.

\- Immature – he teased me, not only with insults, but his eyes also teased me, making me desire him.

\- You're an idiot, I hope you stay on the shelf for a long time, ok? Argh – I got out of the porch and into my room. I was furious, how could he affect me so much?

\- Why are you so angry? – Kagome asked while she got into my room.

\- Sesshoumaru that idiot, he was overhearing my conversation and had the nerve to criticize my boyfriend.

\- Jesus, you're really shaken about this. Maybe there's more to this story that you're not telling me.

\- What? No! – I snorted – don't say nonsense things Kagome, I love Tomoya.

\- I never said you didn't.

\- I'm just reassuring you.

\- Who are you trying to convince? Me or… you? – she laughed.

\- You're the one to talk, with that huge crush you have on Inuyasha.

\- Nonsense, I don't even know him – she said with a pitch voice, almost sounded honest – I'm going to bed.

She ran out of my room bothered by our conversation, but I preferred that way, I also had a lot of things to think about. It was dark outside when I threw myself on my bed and looked at the celling thinking about… Tomoya. How I wish he could be there with me, just to give me a big hug and tell me everything would be ok.

\- You know, it´s dangerous to sleep with the porch door open.

\- Yeah, I see. Arrogant stupid creatures can come in – I looked at him, angry.

\- Hm – he looked at me – are you sad about your little boyfriend?

\- Why are you stalking me? Get out of my porch.

\- Ok – he came inside the room and sat down on a chair close to the door.

\- Get out of my room!

\- You said to get out of your porch, make up your mind woman.

\- Argh, just go to your room and leave me alone, will ya?

\- Sure – he slowly left and a tiny part of me wished he had stayed.

Desire. My favorite word, desire is that growing will inside of someone, that you crave for. You chase after desire; you worship desire. And I realized that in a way I desired Sesshoumaru, of course physically he was handsome, but he also had this mysterious aurea, like he was broken inside, and I could be the one to fix him. It was wrong and unfaithful but desiring him was not cheating.

On the middle of the night he haunted me, I woke up scared, breathing heavily, I looked at the clock beside my bed, 4:00 AM. I had dreamt about him, an intriguing and sexy dream, so weird… was that my first erotic dream?

After that I couldn't sleep, too many thoughts were passing through my head and there was also a tiny fear of going back to sleep and finish that dream. So, I walked to the porch, sat down on a stool with a blanket and lost myself on those thoughts, looking at the garden, until I unconsciously fell of sleep.

I woke up scared again, looked around and I was in my bed… how did I end up there? Looked t the clock again, 10:00 AM. The sun was shining and illuminating my room and there was a post it glued to my forehead.

\- _"Don't be and idiot, you could freeze outside, **brat**"_ – damn, how I hated him.

* * *

_\- I think dad was driving you insane, wasn't him?_

_\- Oh honey, you have no idea._

_\- What are you two talking about me? – that majestic figure came in and looked at them – and why the heck are you two on the floor?_

_\- I'm telling her about that summer we spent on Nani's-sensei house._

_\- Oh – he cracked a slyly smile – I have to go; I'll be back in a couple of hours. Don't lie to her that much Rin._

_\- Don't be a party pooper – she laughed._

_\- Go on mom – Nagisa insisted._

_\- Ok._

* * *

That morning when I went to the kitchen, I wasn't hungry, I walked by the breakfast table, just grabbed some crackers and went straight to the garden. Out there I sat down on a swing and just stood there, alone for a while.

\- Why are you hiding from us Rin-chan? – asked Kagome as she approached me.

\- I'm not hiding, I just miss Tomoya so much.

\- I know, but you can't do that to your grandma, I mean, you've came here to see her, right?

\- Yeah… you're right.

My head was a mess. I missed Tomoya so much, but couldn't stop thinking about that dream, about how Sesshoumaru made me feel when I was around him. I tried to lift my spirit and decided to have breakfast with everybody.

The days were passing by rapidly and I couldn't wait to go home and end this temptation. In my head, if Sesshoumaru was always teasing me and after me it meant he wanted as much as I did… right? I don't know, the mess in my head was huge, on one side my beloved Tomoya, on the other a Greek god, so mysterious.

One morning I woke up to a beautiful day, the sun was way up in the sky and it felt so warm and cozy. I got up and had put my bikini on, today nothing was gonna ruin my day. I couldn't hide my excitement; I ran to Kagome's room and obligated her to come to the pool with me.

\- So… tell me everything! How are things with Inusyaha? – I asked getting into the pool.

\- I can't stand him anymore! We must go back – she answered trying to hide her feelings.

\- Why?

\- He is a complete idiot – she rolled her eyes.

\- Oh, and that's why you are all in love with him? – I teased and laughed.

\- Just me huh? I see the way you look at Sesshoumaru, honey you can't hide anything from me.

\- What are you talking about? – that question got out way more suspicious than I intended to.

Before I could even correct myself or try to convince Kagome that she was tripping, something interrupted my line of thinking. Looking ahead I froze, and Kagome was not stupid, she realized and looked up and there he was, wearing just a pair of shorts and with a towel on his shoulders. His body was no regular teenage body, it was perfectly shaped, not gym shaped, just… perfect. He saw that the both of us were starring and smiled with satisfaction.

\- You better close your mouth Rin, you're drooling – Kagome whispered, teasing me.

\- Shut up Kagome.

\- Hi brat, Hello Kagome.

\- Get lost Sesshoumaru – I answered aggressively.

He jumped into the pool and I couldn't concentrate no more. I tried hard to keep my eyes of him and mind my own business, but he was enjoying every second of that torture. Kagome was feeling like the third wheel on that situation and decided she had to go.

\- You know what? I just remembered that I have to talk to Inuyasha about something – she said running out of the pool and getting inside the house.

"Damn Kagome", I thought, leaving me to the lions. To avoid confrontation, I kept my distance and avoid eye contact. After a while of silence, he finally spoke.

\- Why you're running away from me? – he said with a smile, he was loving it.

\- Me? You wish.

\- It's what looks like. Are you afraid of me? – he asked and started to get closer.

\- Afraid? Of you? You should do stand ups, you're so funny – I laughed falsely.

\- So that means – he got even closer now, and my legs started to shake a bit – that you are not afraid of me, even when you should be?

\- W-why should I? – I felt that he was too close, and I started to go backwards until I hit the edge of the pool.

\- Well, I could be very dangerous to that boyfriend of yours – his face was so close to mine at this point, that I could hear his breathing. He caged me with his arms, resting them on the edge of the pool. His look was full of malice.

\- Get out of me – I pushed him – Go swim Sesshoumaru and leave me alone.

\- What? Didn't you said you were not scared? – he came behind me and whispered in my ears – what are you so afraid of after all?

\- Certainly not of you – I decided it would be best to just get away from him, I tried to get off the pool when he held my waist and got me back in, he lifted my head holding gently my chin.

\- I believe you – he wouldn't take his eyes of mine – I think you're afraid of yourself.

He kissed me. My legs were shaking, and my head was spinning, it was so dangerous and so forbidden that it made it all more and more exciting. I felt like the time had stopped and that I could die, because my brain suddenly forgot how to breath. There was no other place that I would rather be right now and that was scaring.

* * *

_\- Wow, I've got goosebumps._

_\- Oh, I know – Rin smiled slyly and Nagisa laughed - Don't look at me like that, your father was very… naughty._

_\- Mom! Come on, grouse._

_\- I'm just saying._

_They both laughed and laid down on the floor._

_\- But mom, what about Tomoya?_

_\- I felt so guilty, but…_

* * *

Passion. It's not love, but it's led by desire, it's an overwhelming feeling, a consuming feeling, where on the other hand love is stable, passion is the instability of desire.

I loved Tomoya, but I desired Sesshoumaru.

\- Oh my god, I can't believe you kissed him – Kagome was shocked.

\- He, HE kissed me – I buried my head on a pillow – what should I do Ka-chan? I love Tomoya, but I may have a crush on Sesshoumaru.

\- I have no idea what you should do, that's insane.

\- Why?

\- Because Tomoya loves you, and you're risking all that for an adventure with Sesshoumaru.

\- I know! Do you think I'm not feeling guilty enough?

\- Sorry, but you need to stay away from him and tell him to back off.

\- I wil…

\- But… tell me something first.

\- What?

\- How was it? Was it good? – she had a goofy smile on her face, and I couldn't help but to blush.

\- Oh my god – I hided my face behind the pillow – no other kiss made me feel like this before, so good and so safe, I lose focus when I'm around him, the world seems to vanish. Why he had to be such a good kisser?

\- Better than Tomoya? – she teased me.

\- Hm… You know what? I should go to bed, it's late.

\- Oh come on Rin, don't run away from me, tell me!

\- Good night Kagome! – I said already leaving her room.

My bedroom was pitch dark, I threw myself on the bed and kept looking to the celling.

\- Why these things only happen to me? – I said to myself.

\- What things?

\- Shit! – I jumped out of bed – what on earth are you doing here? Get out of my room and stop jumping into my porch.

He just smiled and sat on my bed, that slyly smile that gave me goosebumps every time I saw it.

\- Look Sesshoumaru – I sighed - we should talk.

* * *

_\- Mom, you cheated Tomoya with dad._

_\- And I loved Tomoya honey, that´s why I tell you that love it´s not that simple, desire can sometimes trick us into making mistakes, but that kiss didn't make me love Tomoya less._

_\- You are gonna leave him for dad, right?_

_\- Well…_

_\- I'm home – shouted the man of the house from the front door._

_\- You got back early – Nagisa said._

_\- Yeah, I bought us some tickets to the movies, do you guys wanna come?_

_\- Sure – Rin kissed him._

_\- But mom, what about Tomoya and the story?_

_\- Another time my dear – Rin kissed Nagisa's forehead and headed upstairs to get ready._


	3. Forgiveness

**Forgiveness**

_Nagisa calmly looked for her mom around the living room, when she could not find her, she looked through the window and saw her outside, gardening. She walked towards her._

_\- Hey mom._

_\- Hello darling – Rin said pruning the seedlings – are you ok?_

_\- Well… I think so – she sighed._

_\- Not a very credible answer._

_\- I'm ok mom, after all I forgave Matt and we are back together, but I still feel suspicious._

_\- Unfortunately, that's a complicated situation, all we can do is hope he'll someday regain your trust._

_\- That's true. Does Tomoya knows about your little affair?_

_\- I ended up telling him._

_\- Really? – Nagisa seemed surprise._

_\- I couldn't live with the guilt, it was one of the hardest things I've done, but I ended up telling him anyway._

_\- You have to tell me what happened!_

_\- Alright – Rin smiled tenderly – come here._

_Both sat down on the grass, the sun was a bit strong, but it felt really cozy. _

_\- So, when I said I had to talk to Sesshoumaru…_

* * *

\- What do you wanna talk about?

\- Well, about earlier today.

\- What happened earlier today? – he teased me.

\- Don't make me say it!

\- Say what? – he was amused by this whole situation; my face was blushing.

\- When YOU kissed me, idiot.

\- Me? I kissed you?

\- You know exactly what I'm talking about. Stop playing dumb.

\- What about the kiss? You wanted, don't you dare deny – suddenly he had a serious expression, as if he knew I was about to say something unpleasant.

\- Please don't play with me Sesshoumaru, I love Tomoya.

\- I'm not playing with you Rin, and I never doubted you love him.

\- Then why did you kiss me?

\- I don't owe you any explanations – he got up from the bed and looked at me before going out through the same place he got in, the porch.

I couldn't sleep. What did he mean by "I don't owe you any explanations"? Of course he did, he was the one who kissed me. Why would he confuse me so much? First, he mocks me, teases me, suddenly kisses me and don't owe me any explanations?

It was absurd. It was ridiculous. It was exhausting…

The next morning, I woke up indispose, got out of bed after 2:00 PM and only to call Tomoya. Talking to him was the worst, the guilty was suffocating me, I wanted to tell him, but it didn't feel right doing over the phone. I was weak, I felt impotent not being able to control the situation, and it was driving me crazy. Kagome came by my room several times, asking me to get out of bed and do stuff, but I wouldn't, I just laid down the rest of the day.

I had my eyes closed, but I wasn't sleeping, the clarity from outside was too much, when I suddenly heard that familiar voice.

\- What's with you today? You look like a vegetable.

\- Doesn't concern you, get lost Sesshoumaru – I said without opening my eyes.

\- You've been very aggressive lately.

\- You are the reason.

\- Me?

\- What do you think? You say you don't owe me any explanations and then come back? What do you want? Do you even know?

\- I just dropped by to see if you were still alive.

There was a long silent pause.

\- Are you really not gonna tell me why? – I asked now with a soft voice, sounded more like a sob than a question.

\- Rin… - he sat down by the bed and looked at me with an expression I haven't seen on his face yet… could it be concern? – it just happened.

\- Sure, out of the blue, it just happened – I said ironically.

\- It was a thing of the moment – he said getting bothered by my irony.

\- Why do you play with me like that?

\- I don't play with you! – he said loudly.

\- Get out – I pushed him out of my bed and kept pushing him until the porch, threw him out and locked the porch door.

I ran to my bed and without looking back I buried myself in those blankets, I could not control the tears, it was involuntary, I felt stupid because there was no real reason for me to be crying, there was no love story, he didn't make any love promises or commitments, he never gave me any hope that we would be together or anything like that, _it just happened._ Why was I making such a big deal out of this? I wonder now, why does he do that to me? What is his motivation? Was it funny playing with someone else's feeling? I tried to find an answer to all those questions, but at the end it wearies me down and I fell asleep.

The next day came and I was embarrassed. How the heck was I supposed to look at him like nothing happened? Luck me, he started avoiding me, no looks, no teasing, no nothing. It was like I didn't even exist. On one hand I felt relieved, that way I could enjoy my grandma and Kagome without having to worry about him. On the other hand, it hurts a little. A week went by without him getting into my room in the middle of the night and I felt like my nightmare was almost over.

\- Goood morning Rin-chan – Kagome entered my room and saluted me.

\- Morning – I rubbed my eyes.

\- We are thinking about going for a walk by the hills. Are you coming?

\- Who are we exactly?

\- The four of us – she said almost whispering.

I wanted to go, grandma's house had a beautiful surrounding and it would be a shame to miss all that, but Sesshoumaru would be there and it could be awkward. Nevertheless, I didn't wanna miss out, so I decided to go anyway.

\- Alright, I'll grab my stuff.

I got a small backpack and filled it up with some supplies, water, a few cereal bars, nothing much. The four of us walked quietly for a while, and I was starting to regret my decision to come. Ahead of me was Kagome and Inuyasha arguing about something so random that it lost my interest, she punched him several times and it was embarrassing just to watch that. Sesshoumaru was walking along side me, but he hasn't said a word the whole time.

\- Do you think it's gonna rain? – he asked looking up to the sky.

\- How would I know? Do I look like the weather girl?

That's it, the biggest dialog we had in a whole week, after being kicked out of my room that night. He was right though, it started drizzling which quickly scaled to a very heavy rain.

\- We have to find a place to shelter - I said running towards a big tree.

Sometimes I wondered why was I friends with Kagome, because I doubted she wanted my very best. Kagome just ran away to an opposite direction with Inuyasha and vanished between the trees.

\- Are they crazy? – I asked.

\- Well, I know Inuyasha it's not normal, maybe he messed with your friend's head.

\- Yeah, maybe – I looked down.

Silence. Deadly silence, all the noise that we could hear was the rain falling fast and furious. Inside I desired to tell him how I felt, how I wanted him, but I couldn't, **there could never be anything between us.**

\- I know.

\- What?! – it felt like he could read my thoughts and that scared me.

\- Why they ran away.

\- Oh – I sighed – why would that be?

\- They wanted to leave us alone.

\- Well, thanks for stating the obvious.

He looked at me and kept on looking without taking his eyes of me. He got close and leaned his forehead on mine, even with the heavy noise of the rain I could hear his breathing, my body wanted him to kiss me but he just stood there with his eyes closed for a minute, almost felt like we were talking to each other without even saying one word. I couldn't hold it anymore and I kissed him.

He gently pushed me until I felt my back hit the tree.

\- What are we doing? – I asked confused.

\- How long are you gonna keep denying you want me?

\- You are so pretentious – I tried to look away, but he held my chin, I loved the power he had over me.

\- So, you deny it?

\- I do.

\- Liar…

He kissed me again and I didn't try to stop him, I wanted that as much as he did. I felt safe in his arms.

\- You say you don't play with me – I whispered with my eyes still closed.

\- I don't, you can deny all you want, but I want you Rin.

The kisses and fondling kept on going, every time I got more and more involved, I felt lighter. My head was battling with the guilt and my body was craving for more and more of Sesshoumaru. After a while I opened my eyes and it was dark already.

\- We should go back - I was trying to catch my breath.

\- I don't think… - he looked at his watch and back to me – yeah, we should go back.

We started walking home side by side. I admit I wasn't looking to the ground, Sesshoumaru was by my side looking so handsome by the moon light, I was reliving that afternoon in my head repeatedly… "_I want you Rin"._ The result of my distraction was that I didn't see a big rock on the floor and twisted my ankle.

\- Ouch! Shit! – I fell to the floor.

\- What happened? – he looked at me.

\- I think I twisted my ankle on that rock – I started to feel my face hot and the tears forming.

\- Let me see – he got on his knees and moved my foot a little bit – It doesn't seem broken.

\- Ouuuch! And since when do you know anything about first aids?

\- Since I was a kid brat – he made a gesture with his hand, indicating me to hop on his back.

\- No way! I'm walking home.

\- Really? – he said mocking me.

\- I mean it! Look – I slowly got up and when my foot touched the ground, I felt an overwhelming pain and fell on my butt.

\- Almost running huh.

\- Idiot, this is all your fault.

\- How is this my fault? – he said surprised.

\- Doesn't matter, it's your fault.

\- Let's just go – he sighed and grabbed me in his arms.

After the fall, the whole way back we were silent, but I was enjoying the way my body was wrapped with his. Getting home, Sesshoumaru quickly reached the first aid kit and bandaged my foot.

\- Thank you – I said almost like a whisper.

\- No problem, keep an eye on that ok? I'm going to my room.

He vanished on the darkness that was my grandama's house. I was there sitting on the couch still not believing that all this could happen today, I spent so many time reliving everything that eventually fell asleep. When I woke up, I was laying in my bed, how did I end up there? I looked around to find those amber eyes staring at me.

\- How did I get here?

\- I brought you, you fell asleep on the couch.

\- Thanks… I guess.

His presence so close to me made me fussy.

\- You make me feel a little bit nervous.

\- What do you mean?

\- That around you I feel shyer than ever.

\- Hm – he smiled.

\- It's true!

\- I don't believe you, you weren't shy today when you kissed me.

\- You realize that we have no future together, right? – I asked almost whispering again.

\- Not really.

\- What is it that you want?

\- You, I've told you.

He said it again, how good it felt to hear those words coming out from his mouth, but I could not help feeling guilty as well. I looked away and tried to remain calm.

\- I love Tomoya, Sesshoumaru.

\- I know that.

\- Then why do you insist on this? I'm leaving in five days and you always decide to kiss me on the weirdest moments.

\- I don't think Tomoya can beat me.

\- This is not a competition! It's my life, you know? – I felt a bit dizzy and closed my eyes.

\- Are you ok? – he got closer.

\- I'm a little bit tired.

\- You better sleep, tomorrow you'll feel better – he got even closer and kissed my lips. I felt that I was blushing and kissed him back.

\- Alright…

I haven't got much sleep that night, it made no sense for him to be chasing after me when I was leaving in five days and we might never see each other again. There's also the fact that I love Tomoya, he got some nerve saying he could never beat him, this was no competition!

* * *

\- Ka-chan careful with the pancakes! – I yelled while we cooked breakfast.

My grandma was laughing loudly of the mess we were making on her kitchen, but she did not care, it was our last breakfast together and we had to make the best of it.

\- What about you and Inusyaha, Ka-chan? – I asked my friend when my grandma wasn't watching.

\- Psiu, keep it down – she looked around and back to me – well… he kissed me.

\- WHAT? – I yelled involuntary.

\- Rin!

\- Sorry – I apologized only moving my lips.

\- Look, it was like this…

* * *

_Flashback_

_Kagome was sitting on the garden grass totally lost on her own thoughts._

_\- Feh, quit the dumb face, try to look a bit smarter Kagome._

_\- You're the one to talk Inuyasha._

_\- Why are you here alone? Where's your friend?_

_\- Because I want to. Rin is packing her things. _

_\- Geez, why are you so stressed?_

_\- What's with all these questions Inuyasha?_

_\- HA! – he pointed the index finger at Kagome and laughed - Only an idiot answers a question with another._

_\- Don't you have anything better to do? – she sighed._

_\- No._

_\- My god – she rolled her eyes._

_Inuyasha sat down beside her._

_\- Feh, I'm bored._

_\- Then go find something to do._

_\- Tell me what's up with you, come on – he poked her repeatedly._

_\- Inuyasha leave me alone! – she pushed him, but ended up losing her balance and fell on top of him – you are a complete idiot!_

_\- I… - he got close to her and calmly kissed her. No explanations or excuses; he just kissed her._

* * *

\- Even kissing you guys are arguing – I laughed.

\- I guess that may be our trademark – she laughed and flipped a pancake.

\- When was this?

\- Yesterday, I still can't look at him – she blushed.

\- Well you should, we are leaving in two hours, how are you planning to say goodbye with your eyes closed? – I laughed.

\- I could be asking you the same thing – she winked.

For a minute I lost myself on my own thoughts, actually I didn't know exactly where Sesshoumaru and I stood. We were talking to each other normally, but he would still invade my room at night.

\- Rin? Rin?

\- What? Sorry, I got distracted.

\- I can see that, look who just came in.

Sesshoumaru sat at the table, poured himself some orange juice.

\- What are you girls up to?

\- Some farewell pancakes – Kagome answered.

\- I see – he looked at me – Can I talk to you after this?

\- About?

\- Later Rin.

\- Ok then.

Breakfast was very cheerful for a farewell, and when everyone was already stuffed, Sesshoumaru pulled me aside and we went to the living room.

\- W-what is it? – I asked him away from everybody else.

\- Are you really leaving?

\- I am.

\- You could stay more, another month maybe.

\- I can't.

\- I understand – without realizing he quickly wrapped my body on a hug.

It was an abrupt kiss, it taste like a farewell. He pushed me to a dark corner, where no other eyes could see us, and we just stood there for a while. The hug was so warm, and my head was confused, I wanted to stay.

\- I don't wanna go – I whispered to myself.

\- Then don't go.

\- I can't stay.

His eyes had a power over me, I felt like a slave to those eyes.

\- I need to go home.

I managed to get away from his arms and ran to my room, grabbed my bags as fast as I could and put them in the car. My mom obligated us to say goodbye to everybody, but it was something quick and impersonal.

On the way to the airport my heart felt tight, so many contradictory feelings, but I wasn't the only one, Kagome was having a hard time accepting that she would never see Inuyasha again.

\- Don't be like that – I hugged her.

\- I think I really like him, Rin… even though he drove me insane all these past days.

\- I know – I could relate more than she could imagine – you'll get over him.

After a long flight and several hours, the taxi parked in front of my house and there was someone already waiting for me, that familiar face.

\- Tomoya! – I ran to him and hugged him tight.

\- I missed you so much – he whispered in my ear.

\- Me too.

He helped me unload the bags out of the car and into my house, we talked for hours that day, and I was happy to be home.

For the next two weeks, everything went smoothly, without news, but Tomoya started to ask me why I was strange, or how he used to say… "distant". I didn't want to tell him it was because of Sesshoumaru, but I had to justify it somehow.

\- It's nothing, I'm just thinking about school - I sat down and leaned on a tree to enjoy its shadow.

\- You always get like this when a new school year begins – he mocked me and sat by my side, passed his arm around me in a hug.

\- I guess…

\- I feel like this year is gonna be different, you know? That's something more in the air.

\- Why would you say that? – the guilt overflown inside me.

\- I don't know – he smiled – it's just a feeling.

\- Maybe it's because my birthday is just around the corner – I tried to smile, but I was too nervous.

\- Could be.

After a long silence, I couldn't take it anymore.

\- Tomoya?

\- What?

\- Have you ever cheated on me?

\- Me? Of course not silly, I would never do that to you.

I wanted to cry, I could feel the tears and he noticed right away.

\- Why are you asking me this Rin?

\- Well…

\- You're not gonna tell you did, are you? – he looked tense.

\- Me? No…

\- Wow, you scared me.

\- I mean…

\- Shit, you did, didn't you?

\- I'm so sorry Tomoya – the tears fell aggressively, I couldn't breathe. He took his arms off me and got up.

\- I can't believe you could do that to me! – he also wanted to cry, but tried to hide it.

\- It just happened – I couldn't look at him.

\- Something like this don't "just happens" – he quoted using his fingers.

\- It does, you never did it to know, ok?

\- What are you now? Some kind of expert? – he was yelling - How many times?

\- One.

\- Who?

\- Se-sesshoumaru – I stuttered.

\- I knew it!

\- You had no way of knowing it.

\- One time?

\- Well… not quite.

\- More than once? – he was furious.

\- Only two times – I lied.

\- Only? – he couldn't believe – do you think that's not much?

\- Are you gonna break up with me?

\- Honestly, I don't want to deal with you right now – his voice was trembling.

I just ran away. If he could do that when he didn't want to confront me, I could as well. First, I think he was surprised to see me running away, and then he cried alone. When the month was over, he still wouldn't look me in the face, and If he did look, I could feel it was with disgust.

We had just another month left before the school year starts and I felt powerless to fight, I was so tired of the guilt, so exhausted from fighting for that love, and at the same time fighting internally with me for letting myself cause this, I really wanted all to be over.

My life was about to take a turn. I was sitting on a swing, rocking slightly with my eyes closed, just feeling a breeze ruffle my hair.

\- Hey.

\- Hi – I've recognized that voice and felt my body trembles, but kept my eyes closed, I couldn't look at him.

\- Are you ok?

\- I guess, and you?

\- I wanted to talk to you.

\- Ok – I opened my eyes and stood in front of him.

\- I've been thinking about us.

\- And? – I was anxious.

\- I'm angry at you for doing that tome, and sometimes I feel like I hate you, but I know that's not possible. I was away from you these past weeks because I could not deal with all, but my love for you during this time has not changed.

\- I see – I wanted to cry.

\- I think what I'm trying to say is… - he looked down – I forgive you.

\- Really? – I was surprised.

\- I guess, I mean you said it yourself, was just a couple of times and I figure it won't happen again, he is thousand of miles away in the US – I could tell he was embarrassed – it won't happen again, right?

\- Of course not, I'm so sorry.

\- Ok – he got close to me in a clumsy way, almost as if a couple of weeks made him forget how to kiss me – it will all come back to normal, right?

\- It will To-chan – I don't know which one of us I was trying to convince, but I kissed him anyway.

* * *

_\- So, he forgave you._

_\- He loved me honey._

_\- But you cheated._

_\- And you forgave Matt._

_\- I know…_

_\- So, where's the difference?_

_\- And did all go back to normal? – she diverted._

_\- It did, for a little while._

_\- Why?_

_\- When I thought everything was ok, life took another turn._

_\- What happened?_

_\- We were… - Rin felt something vibrating, got up and reached for her cellphone – just one minute honey, I have to take this._

_She walked to another room for a while and Nagisa could see she was gesticulating while talking._

_\- I have to run some errands Nagisa, your father needs my help with something – Rin said grabbing her purse._

_\- No mom, come on, finish up – she insisted – what happened?_

_\- I'll tell you tomorrow ok? A little bit of curiosity won't kill'ya – as usual she kissed her daughter on the forehead – take care of the house, I'll be back later. _


End file.
